Sensitive Matters to Explain to Kids

Tuesday, August 20, 2024

Telling your child that you, or a beloved family member, has a severe or terminal illness is one of the toughest topics that you might ever need to tackle.

Just thinking about the list of sad news events you might need to share with your child brings a lump to one’s throat, whether it’s the death of someone special, the death of a pet, Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce . . .

And it’s not just sad events, all major life events can be traumatic to a child and require sensitivity in the telling.

Things like moving house may feel like an exciting adventure to you, but to a child they may be a cause for anxiety. They are accustomed to their house and their room. Relocating is especially hard if your child must change school and move far away from friends.

Hearing about natural disasters or negative news events can affect children. They may feel stressed, sad, or worried, and may feel for the people involved. This in turn can cause recurring thoughts, difficulty sleeping or hypervigilance.

And then there are the topics that are tricky because of our own baggage. Having ‘the talk’ i.e. explaining sex and reproduction to children is daunting to most people. Considering the importance of getting the telling right, it is amazing how many people leave it up to someone else to have the conversation with their child.

Telling a child about their donor conception or adoption likewise can be built up in the parents’ minds as a difficult thing to explain, resulting in procrastination and anxiety.

But, as is the case with so many things in life that we dread, the actual event, in this case the telling, is often not as dramatic as we imagine. And, if done right, can have some beautiful silver linings like a deep closeness with your child and a growth of trust.

But how do we get it right?

How to go about explaining difficult things to your child.

We found this great advice on the Australian parenting website. The way you handle tough topics will depend on your child’s age and how your child makes sense of the world.

“Toddlers and preschoolers understand the differences between feeling happy, sad, afraid or angry. But they need a lot of reassurance to understand new and more complex feelings. And they also think in very concrete ways and are still learning how concepts fit together. When you talk about tough topics with them, it’s good to focus on feelings that they understand and explain things in simple language. For example:

‘Grandma has died and we won’t see her anymore. I’m very sad.’
‘We love you. But we think the family will be happier if Dad and I live in different houses.’
‘I was really scared too when that car crashed into us, but we’re safe now.’

School-age children have more emotional maturity and understand more complex emotions – but new emotions are still overwhelming for them sometimes. Their brains are developing rapidly, and they can absorb new information quickly. Their worlds have expanded too, and they might come across more tough topics through the media or conversations with other children at school. This means that when you talk about tough topics with your school-age child, you can talk about more complex emotions and go into more detail. For example:

‘Death means not living anymore, like the flowers die so they don’t grow anymore. Or the dog died so he doesn’t eat and play anymore. All living things die some time.’
‘We both love you. But Dad and I don’t want to be married to each other anymore. Dad and I will live in different houses, but we’ll both look after you.’
‘I know it was scary when we had to leave home because of the fire. But remember how we followed our bushfire plan? And then people helped us know what to do next.’”

And explaining to very young children how babies are made is as simple as: ‘To make a baby, you need an egg from a woman and sperm from a man. When you put them together, they make an embryo that grows into a baby inside the woman’s uterus’, pointing to the right area.

And to go on to explain donor conception: ‘In the beginning Mom and Dad were happy together. They did lots of fun things and laughed a lot, but after a while, they really wanted a baby to share the fun with them. When no baby came after a long time, Mom and Dad went to a doctor for some help. The doctor said they couldn't use Mom's eggs / Dad’s sperm to make a baby, but not to worry because there was a way for them to have a baby of their own. This made Mom and Dad very happy.’ These words of course get tweaked for single and gay Mom’s and Dad’s.

Books help

We have found that a book on the topic really helps you find the right words. Whatever topic you need to broach, Google will present you with loads of children’s book options.

Try our Magic of You books to help parents explain donor conception to their child. As every word can be changed they enable you to really tell your child your family story.

Of course, just reading a book is not enough. They can be really helpful to introduce the topic. Talking it all though with your child will be so important. Rereading the book after the topic has sunk in is also beneficial and a fascinating insight into how your child processes information.

Tips for talking through tough topics with your child

Be honest: Tell your child the truth about what happened as soon as possible. This will help them trust you and cope with loss.

Use simple words: Use clear, direct language that's appropriate for their age and experience. You can also try giving them information in small amounts.

Be calm and caring: Let your child know you have sad news (if this is the case). When you have delivered your message, pause to give them time to process it.

Prepare them: For example in the case of a death, you can prepare your child for what they might see at the funeral home or service, and for the future without their loved one.

Answer questions: Answering questions can help prevent confusion.

Share your emotions: Children look to adults for cues on how to behave, so show them that it's okay to feel sad and have different feelings.

Offer comfort: For example, talking about death can be scary and confusing, so offer comfort in a way that feels good to your child.

You can also consider talking to a certified counselor or other professional support system to help you cope with your own emotions and ease the burden of explaining to your child.

Parents can help children cope by:

Listening calmly
Letting them say how they feel
Letting them know it's OK to feel the way they do
Helping them feel safe
Talking about how the family could help
Helping children turn their empathy into helpful action

Children who have good support systems outside their immediate family, such as teachers or coaches, may also benefit from being able to communicate with those people for comfort and reassurance.

Be brave!

So, tell your child any sad or scary news yourself if you can. And do it as soon as possible. Pick your timing so you are both relaxed and have the time to answer all questions. Be open and honest. Really listen to them, without assuming their response. Check with them how they feel about what they have heard. Be ready with lots of cuddles. And lastly, revisit the topic soon to address any questions and to reinforce that you love them.

By Clare McDougall, Sensitive Matters