Are you my real mum anyway? How to be ready for the question

An innocent question that can be a punch in the gut

A little while ago, sandwiched between “What’s your favourite soft toy?” and “How many days until Christmas?”, my son asked: “So, are you my real mum anyway?”

At first glance, it seems like an offhand question from a child: innocent, perhaps playful. But for many parents who have conceived via donor, the question packs a punch. It can feel like a test, an emotional trap, a moment you might dread.

Yet, it didn’t catch me off guard. I had been waiting for something like this and preparing myself mentally for it. Ever since my son was two, I’ve been reading him The Magic of Max, his very own story of how he was created. He grew up knowing a donor was involved. But early knowledge of a donor was always going to lead to curiosity at some point.  So, I had rehearsed possible questions in my head and long ago resolved to call the donor his biological mother having read the many views of donor conceived adults on how they referred to donors.

So, I answered: “Yes, I am your mother, and you also have a biological mother, with whom you share DNA. That means you have some things in common with her, for example you look a bit like her and have her nose. I have pictures of her when she was little.  Would you like to see them?”

He replied “Yes!” enthusiastically and then asked, “How many days until Christmas?”

My response to his “real” question was simple, true, and calm. I didn’t hesitate and I wasn’t defensive.  By being ready, I avoided a knee-jerk “Of course I am your real mum!” that might have shut the door to conversations about our donor instead of opening it. At the time, I was immensely relieved that I had prepared for the question and proud of myself for smoothly navigating this critical moment of being a parent to a donor conceived child.  

Why the question is so loaded and what does “real” mean?

When my son was just a baby, my older sister, who adores him, once asked, “And what about the real mum?” The question knocked me for six and confused me: did she mean the donor or our gestational surrogate? After some awkward conversation to clarify, it became clear she hadn’t meant any offence. She was simply curious about the biological mother and hadn’t thought carefully about her wording.

In donor conception conversations, the word “real” often becomes a flashpoint: emotionally loaded, confusing, and sometimes painful. What is intended as an innocent question can feel like a challenge to legitimacy or love.

“Real” in the context of motherhood is about relationship, care, nurturing, presence, and love. It’s about being the one who shows up, day in and day out, for your child’s life.

The Donor Conception Network addresses the issue in their article What is a ‘real’ parent? 

“We know that in the donor conception community the word can feel particularly emotive, where the loss of a genetic connection to a child, usually an expectation for parenthood, might make people question their role and even their legitimacy. Parents sometimes worry that it will be thrown back at them by their children, picturing a scene where a child says “You’re not my real mum/dad” and struggling to know how to respond.”

A relevant insight comes from Donor Conceived Aotearoa, emphasising the value of openness:

“Donor conceived people value openness and honesty about their conception story … Parents should be aware of the need for providing truthful and factual information about their conception story without emotionally burdening their child.” Donor Conceived Aotearoa

How a parent responds when a child uses the word “real” can shift that moment from confusion to connection. Being “real” is about showing up and being there, with honesty and love.  The key is being prepared.

Why “telling them early” isn’t enough — understanding evolves

Just because a child knows a donor was involved doesn’t mean they fully understand what that means. Children’s mental models evolve. A toddler’s concept of “someone helped make me” is entirely different from what a seven or ten-year-old imagines.

Jana Rupnow, psychotherapist and author of Three Makes Baby: How to Parent Your Donor-Conceived Child, emphasises early and ongoing openness in an interview with Cofertility: https://www.cofertility.com/family-learn/conversation-with-jana-rupnow):

“More parents understand that telling their child early helps build trust and strengthens their relationship. Instead of disclosure being a single event, parents are embracing an ongoing dialogue that starts in toddlerhood and evolves throughout their child's life.”  

She also goes on to say, “The biggest challenge now is helping parents feel comfortable with these conversations, which is why emotional preparation is so important.”

As donor-conceived adults frequently remind us, starting early is essential. The earlier and more naturally you tell, the easier it is for your child to absorb, revisit, and deepen their understanding over time.  And the more you prepare yourself for the curiosity that will come as they get older, the easier it will be for you to have those conversations with ease.

How to prepare so you don’t fumble, freeze or over-react

Think about and rehearse your go-to response

Don’t wait for the moment. Think about or write down a short, honest response and practise it.  For example, “Yes, I am your mum, and you also have a biological/genetic mother with whom you share DNA.”

Envision possible follow-ups

Think ahead: Who is she? Can I meet her? Does she look like me? Prepare short, calm answers you’re comfortable saying.

Use stories and language ahead of time

Use books like The Magic of You to lay the foundation of your story. Continue weaving donor language into everyday talk: “That’s something your donor gave you” or “Your genetic mother was good at that too.”

Check in with your feelings first

If you feel your heart pound or your voice shake, pause. Acknowledge your own feelings privately (or with a counsellor) before your child starts asking spontaneous questions.

Choose your words with care

Avoid emphatic or defensive language like “Of course I’m your mother!” Use inclusive, factual phrasing.  For example, “I’m your mum in every way that matters, but you share DNA with another person, your genetic/biological mother.”

Make it clear the donor is not a replacement

Reinforce that the donor’s role is different. They helped make your child possible, but they don’t replace the nurturing parent. However, since your child shares DNA with them, they will have things in common and that’s okay, you’re willing to talk about that.  

Stay open to deeper conversation

Let your child lead with curiosity: “Do you want to know more?” invites connection instead of closing the door.

If you weren’t prepared

It’s okay. You can still recover and do better next time.

• Pause the conversation: “That’s a really good question. Can I think for a moment and we’ll talk about it later?” Come back to it with your prepared answer.
• Apologise if your first reaction was abrupt.
• Use it as a teachable moment: “I didn’t respond well because I was surprised, but I want to do better.”
• Seek counselling or peer support if you’re struggling with your own emotions. See the list of resources at the end of the article.

Final thoughts

Rather than dreading the moment your child uses the word “real” in a sentence about either parent, see it as an opportunity for connection. It’s a sign that your child is growing in understanding and beginning to explore what family, biology, and love truly mean. These questions give you the chance to reaffirm that love, care, and honesty are what make a parent real.

I think that when you meet that curiosity with calm confidence, you teach your child that difficult topics can be talked about safely and openly. You strengthen trust and deepen your bond. You reinforce to your child that you are very much a real parent.

Resources

My promise to show Max pictures of his bio mum led me down the track of a new (customisable) book for older children, helping to explain their DNA connections.  We hope to launch that book in the spring of 2026. In the meantime,  we would still recommend the brilliant book about DNA in general:  The Secret Code Inside You by Rajani Larocca.  It is extremely helpful to explain the complex concepts of DNA to young children (4-8 years).

If you need help working through your own thoughts and emotions, you can find fertility counsellors here:

To find a counsellor in the UK:  https://www.bica.net/

To find a counselor in the USA: https://www.asrm.org/membership/asrm-membership/find-an-expert-listing/

Sali Odendaal

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